Eli | Mike | Mary - click for individual bio

January 14, 2004

The Case Against Monkies

To be brief, the subject of today's entry: monkies. I have a basic feeling about them, which is that I hate them. Oh, I know, some amongst you find them cute, adorable even. Some of you might even imagine yourself acting out a secret fantasy involving Gary Cooper, a chimpanzee in a diaper, and a bathtub full of Red Ripple. Wheee!

Let's get one thing straight: monkies are not adorable. They are nasty, hairy, evil little imps of Satan. If monkies were people, you would hate those people--but somehow not being people makes them attractive. I do not understand that. Well, monkey lackeys of the world, perhaps THIS will change your mind:

FACT: I once witnessed a Japanese snow monkey pick something out of its ear, examine that something closely, and then eat it.

FACT: A friend of mine was riding in the back of a pickup truck with a male acquaintence while on vacation in Africa a few years back. At a certain point in the ride, a monkey dropped from a tree and ran after the truck. It caught up, leapt into the back of the truck with my friend, and, unprovoked, bit her acquaintence. On the buttocks.

FACT: The whole cast, crew, and the producers of "The O.C.": monkies.

And, if that doesn't convince even the stubbornest of monkey apologists among you, I submit:

What IS that slime on its mouth and fur? WIPE YOUR FACE, IDIOT MONKEY! Gah! See, here is one occasion in which I agree with the anti-Darwinists: I REFUSE to even CONSIDER the possibility that this foul creature and I are descended from anything approaching a common ancestor! Personally, I submit that THIS is humanity's forebearer. Or maybe it isn't, I don't care--just anything but monkies.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I guess my point is: why is it that behaviour that we find repulsive and deplorable in humans becomes suddenly adorable when displayed by a monkey? What if monkies suddenly organized an army and invaded Europe? I know what you all would say: you'd say: "Awwwwww! Look at the cute monkies!" Admit it! You know you would. You are all fools! FOOLS!

Okay, that's my entire case against monkies. Oh, except that once I also saw a film of one doing the macarena. That was horrible.

Eli